Yesterday at dusk I took Marcelus to the park. He always wants to go for walks and so I try to take him out about 2 times a week. I used to take him out about every other day but it's so hot and I am so pregnant that this is all I can handle. I sat and watched him play and started thinking that these next couple times are going to be the last times I am able to take him to the park, I don't know if I want to tackle both kids at the park alone. It kind of made me a little sad...for him. I don't love going to the park, I do it for him cause I know he does love it, and he needs it.
Sometimes I think that Marcelus was never meant to be my oldest. He is not the "oldest child" persona at all. He is so dependant on other kids and people and socializing. It breaks my heart to see how he reacts to the other kids at the playground when they come around. He follows them everywhere and says "come on" inviting them to play with him. When they leave he starts to follow them, and I have to call him back. The poor guy has to stay with mommy. Mommy is not a kid anymore and is probably not much fun for him. Although I spend all day with him and give him lots of hugs and kisses, change him, shower him, feed him and get him drinks...I even read with him sometimes. It's not the same, I am not a kid and he definately knows the difference. If I felt like my body could've handled back to back kids I would have done it. I have known Marcelus has needed a brother or sister or a friend for a long time. I am not a worrier but this is something I do worry about. I worry about whether Marcelus is having a good time in life so far. Is he getting out enough? Is he bored too often? Does he need more fresh air? Does he watch too many movies? These are the types of questions that run through my mind quite often. Then I start thinking of how different it could be if I could drive but that is a whole other post.
I am so excited to finally give Marcelus a brother. I know they won't be able to play for a good while but at least it's something. I hope it makes him happy and not jealous. I hope he'll find joy in helping with Phoenix. He helps me out a lot already. I really hope he finds a lot of fulfillment in having Phoenix as his brother who will be with us everyday, and I hope Phoenix will be able to take the place of the walks and trips to the park that I've always taken Marcelus on. After having my own kid I've realized how hard it is being the oldest. Now I know why my oldest sister is self concious. It might be part of her personality but I think that if you are a good oldest child, you have to be pretty self concious. You have an unofficial obligation to be a good example and show your siblings the way to go. I love Marcelus for this specifically, and as I see him try and do this and be a good oldest child, the love will grow. There must just be something about your oldest.
4 comments:
You are an excellent mom to Marcelus and I'm sure he loves his happy life. I hope my kids are good playmates one day too. It's really cute to see them interact.
And you can still go to the park with 2 kids! Especially while Phoenix is just sitting in a carseat, or strapped to your body.
Ha ha we'll see about the park, Marcelus I'm sure is probably more defiant than Lucy. It's better for him to be walled in...We need to put our backyard in!!
Marce will be a good big brother, I'm sure of it. I feel the same way about Jonah. I try not to put too much pressure on him to be a good example. This is going to get even harder for me the older he gets.
You know, Marce will be so intrigued at the change that having a brother will bring. I'm sure there will be both jealous feelings and fulfilling feelings at different times. But I'm sure that he's not deprived at all or at least doesn't know the difference. Its just another part of being the oldest- waiting for the siblings to come be your friends.
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