The Wizard And I

If you haven't read the last post called I Got Nothing, this post here might not make perfect sense to you. My family has over the last few months or so discovered the Musical Broadway WICKED. I know some of the important parts of the story, but I haven't seen the play, so I don't know it very well at all. We all love the music from it though and listen to the cd all the time.

Sharrid and I are talking about big changes we need to make in the next year. A part of that has to do with what my dad brought up while I was home last time,...my eyes. We need to be in a better position to pursue the problem. Since I've been back home from my parents I've been thinking about it a lot more. It's because of this that the last time I listened to "The Wizard And I" from WICKED, I started crying. I now can't believe that I didn't feel the obvious connection that I have with that song. I knew most of the words before, but with my handicap on my mind, they really hit home this time, and I began to really listen to them more closely. They sure did reach deep. If you'd like to listen to the song, I have placed it at the very end of my playlist to the right.

The lyrics that really get to me are:

"This weird quirk I've tried to suppress or hide is a talent that could help me meet the Wizard"

"When I meet the Wizard, what I've waited for since...since birth"
"Once I'm with the Wizard, my whole life will change, cause once you're with the Wizard, no one thinks you're strange"

"And this gift or this curse I have inside, maybe at last I'll know why, when we are hand in hand, the Wizard and I"

"Shouldn't a girl whose so good inside have a matching exterior? And since folks here to an absurd degree seem so fixated on your verdigris, would it be alright by you if I de-greenify you?" (I thought of de-blindify you actually...it almost makes me laugh when I'm crying)

"And though of course that's not important to me "all right, why not!" I'll reply" (This only makes sense if you listen to the way she sings it. I relate to the way she sings this, even though it's very important to me...you just have to listen.)

"Unlimited, my future is unlimited, and I've just had a vision almost like a prophecy, I know - it sounds truly crazy, and true the vision's hazy but I swear someday there'll be a celebration throughout Oz that's all to do with me!"

"And I'll stand there with the Wizard feeling things I've never felt, and though I'd never show it, I'll be so happy I could melt! And so it will be for the rest of my life and I'll want nothing else til I die, held in such high esteem, when people see me they will scream!"

All of this made me think of something I've written. It's one of the only things I've written that is actually about myself, although I've written a lot of stuff. It's from one of the first poems I ever wrote. It's only one stanza from the actual poem, but I thought I'd share it.

All of my life
I've never known what it's like
To see such things as you do
To see such things, it is true
But even with this hard test
How can I not feel I'm blessed?
I know I'll give all my best
Even at times I am stressed
And then someday I'll be healed
And I will fall down and kneel
And thank my father above
For his great mercy and love
I can see all this now
But I will never know how
To tell you what I've been through
So I will leave it to you

Welcome to my life
I've taken it with strife
I've dealt with it just fine
It isn't yours it's mine
But welcome to my life
Yes, welcome to my life

I Got Nothing

We got back Monday from being at my parents in NV a week. Sharrid is testing for Corrections in Vegas (you can't just transfer, every agency and state are different). Anyway, he tested for 3 days this time for Psychological, and Polygraph. He came away from it feeling his chances are good and he heard some things from them that indicate he has a great shot at making the Academy. This was pretty much the last testing there is. We've been at it since Nov. and Shar has had this job in mind since this past summer. It's been a process of course, but we're nearing the end and hope that we are blessed to get the job. We have no idea when we'll find out. They are doing a huge background investigation on everyone right now. The very last thing we'll do if we hear we got the "tentative" job offer is Shar will have a physical done by their doctors before the Academy starts, which we've heard might be May or June.

This last trip to Logandale seemed surprisingly long. I can't even remember all the things we did. I have a horrible short term memory anyway but this is what I can remember: making bread with my mom again, playing Nintendo 64 with my brother and sisters, taking Marce on a stroller walk around the block, being at the Chappell's, FHE on Emergency Prep, watching the Sound of Music footage, showing my family the interviews I did with grandma and grandpa, going to Landon's basketball scrimmage, visiting the Jackson's.

While we were there my dad asked me what the status was about my eyes. For anyone reading this that doesn't know, I am visually impaired and since I hate the word impaired, I prefer the term legally blind, although that kind of sounds like legally blonde which is a movie that I've never seen because it's probably lame. Okay, back to the point. It was good for him to ask for 2 reasons: 1. It's good to know people still care & 2. I needed to go over everything so that even I know what the status is. Basically, the status is this: I've seen enough Opthomologists that only know so much to say I'm kind of done wasting my time with them when all they do is figure out what my prescription is and pretty much admit "I got nothin'". We have established that this is a "brain problem". Therefore, I have pursued a couple of Neuro Opthomologists who I never heard back from. The one thing I do know came from my home town doctor, and that is that I have Billateral Ambliopia. All that means is that I have reduced vision in both eyes regardless of correction. Although this is true and good to know, it doesn't solve the problem or give any answers. I have been told by yet another doctor that my eyes can actually be trained back to where they are supposed to be. When first I heard this I did not believe it, but after doing a little research online I found an article that says that a lot of people with my problem actually became that way after suffering serious head trauma from war or car accidents and things like that AND that yes, the eyes could be trained back to normal. The last doctor I saw was here in Phoenix a couple years ago. I was qualifying for Social Security and he checked me out, I told him everything I knew about my eyes and he told me what he thought it was. I never wrote it down or looked into it but I have his info and am planning to give him a call this week to see if I can get into my file and see if HE wrote it down, whatever it was he said.

All I know is that this will be fixed. I know for sure. I don't know when, or how. I can't imagine it...at all. But, I still know it will happen. I also cannot see the journey leading up to it. I have no idea what I am supposed to do, only that I am to be proactive about it. Let me repeat that. I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do, only that I am to be PROACTIVE about it. I was not told I have to be proactive, but I kind of figured that one out myself. It's a no brainer. The solution to this problem is not just going to fall in my lap. I have to look for it. It's hard, because you have to trust people you don't know and who really...don't know you. It's also hard because this eyesight I have now is all I've ever known. I don't know what's better, so in a way I'm in my comfort zone. I'm comfortable. I have learned to compensate with the exception of a few impossibilities I guess. I am comfortable, but at the same time, I think about this problem every single day. I think about the future, hoping my kids don't have to feel the effects of this problem. I think about the "what if's" and the "if only's" and the "I can't wait until I can just..." and "wish I could's". I think about this problem in my life everyday, but I really don't think of what the solution is, where can I find it, who will help me, what are the steps...mainly because I - don't - know.

After I told my dad what the latest was, he told me I should get a hold of a school. He mentioned UCLA's research department. How does one go about that! I've thought about that route a lot actually the college research route. Anyway,...when it all gets down to it, I feel like those doctors I've seen. I got nothing.

Ins And Outs

Sharrid now has Saturdays off rather than Mondays.

I'm doing pretty well with my New Year Goals.

I'm really sick of hearing Marcelus pronounce Phoenix "Penis"!

Playing With Christmas Gifts - Still Shots

This garbage truck seems to be Marcelus' favorite Christmas gift. He's always racing through the house with it.
My sister Connie made this fabric pizza for Marce. He is only allowed to play with it on the table (away from Phoenix) so we got it out the other day. He loved it. Thanks Connie!

Playing With Christmas Gifts - Videos

Top 100 Names

If any of you were curious., these were the 2008 top 100 boys and girls baby names. I got this in an email from a website I get email updates and info on the kids. Thought you'd all like to see this. Very glad to see that neither of my boys made the list, nor any of the names I have planned for the future. I was a bit surprised to see my brothers name Landon at number 30. My sisters name Michaela, although spelled retarded is at number 22, while another of my sisters' names, spelled different again, Kira is at number 40. I was also happy to not see my first or middle name on the list. My sister's kids are not on the list either, their names being Jonah, Eden, and Levi. I would have maybe thought they'd be there. I sure do know a lot of kids who do have these names that are listed. Have fun reading. It pasted weird so the girls names are on top and the boys names are on bottom.

Girls Names
Boys Names
1
Emma
Aiden
2
Sophia
Jayden
3
Madison
Ethan
4
Isabella
Jacob
5
Olivia
Caden
6
Ava
Jackson
7
Madeline
Noah
8
Addison
Jack
9
Hailey
Logan
10
Lily
Matthew
11
Kaitlyn
Nicholas
12
Chloe
Ryan
13
Abigail
Brayden
14
Emily
Michael
15
Riley
Gavin
16
Mia
Dylan
17
Ella
Lucas
18
Hannah
Caleb
19
Kaylee
Andrew
20
Sarah
Connor
21
Alyssa
Alexander
22
Makayla
Joshua
23
Mackenzie
Tyler
24
Layla
Nathan
25
Grace
Daniel
26
Kylie
Mason
27
Zoe
Evan
28
Samantha
Zachary
29
Natalie
William
30
Peyton
Landon
31
Elizabeth
Benjamin
32
Anna
James
33
Avery
Cameron
34
Taylor
Luke
35
Isabelle
Gabriel
36
Lauren
Anthony
37
Alexis
Joseph
38
Brianna
Owen
39
Sydney
Elijah
40
Keira
Christopher
41
Aubrey
Christian
42
Arianna
Liam
43
Sophie
Samuel
44
Allison
John
45
Gabriella
Brody
46
Kayla
Carter
47
Lillian
David
48
Savannah
Hunter
49
Audrey
Isaac
50
Brooklyn
Austin
51
Claire
Sean
52
Katherine
Chase
53
Julia
Tristan
54
Jordan
Wyatt
55
Bailey
Jonathan
56
Kaelyn
Alex
57
Brooke
Thomas
58
Morgan
Colin
59
Camryn
Jordan
60
Aaliyah
Cole
61
Victoria
Max
62
Maya
Cooper
63
Leah
Dominic
64
Abby
Hayden
65
Kate
Brady
66
Jasmine
Brandon
67
Amelia
Carson
68
Charlotte
Isaiah
69
Megan
Jake
70
Reagan
Aaron
71
Cadence
Ian
72
Carly
Nathaniel
73
Lila
Adam
74
Lucy
Riley
75
Jayden
Justin
76
Maria
Parker
77
Kennedy
Colton
78
Molly
Jason
79
Sadie
Julian
80
Callie
Devin
81
Paige
Blake
82
Alexandra
Xavier
83
Ashley
Sebastian
84
Caroline
Henry
85
Gracie
Eli
86
Mckenna
Charlie
87
Gianna
Oliver
88
Rachel
Robert
89
Ellie
Adrian
90
Ashlyn
Nolan
91
Katie
Peyton
92
Liliana
Kyle
93
Jocelyn
Grayson
94
Gabrielle
Miles
95
Adriana
Bryce
96
Rebecca
Eric
97
Nevaeh
Will
98
Jada
Josiah
99
Jenna
Micah
100
Evelyn
Steven

My 2009 Goals

I am putting these on the blog so that I can be held accountable for them I guess. By reading these, you might know what I could be doing better at...ha ha. Remember, these goals just have to be accomplished IN 2009, so they don't have to all start right now.

Church on time EVERY week

Marcelus' prayer development

Interject scriptures and new primary songs into FHE

Play with the kids-outside time walks & park

Emergency Preparedness-collect food & water, learn to bottle, garden, and do canning

Detox

Date Night

Exercise daily

Kids reading time before bed

Personal prayer & reading-finish BOM. Read New Test. & J. Smith manual

Bed by 10:30

There you have it. What are all of your goals?

Seriously!

Marcelus likes Spider-man. He has things that have him on it, like bed sheets and chairs and toys and so I bought him an animated DVD of the Saturday morning cartoon for Christmas. He had previously seen it a few times on TV. Today, watching it for the first time I hear 2 swear words! The H word and the D word. I can't believe this! It was bad enough I had to get used to the fact that shows like Spider-man and other really weird shows had replaced the Mickey Mouse and Tom and Jerry cartoons I grew up on, but then now they aren't even appropriate for children. They are cartoons on Saturday morning of super heroes! They are meant for children and you can bet there aren't any 16 year old boys watching these cartoons. Why would there be swearing and cussing in Spider-man cartoons. I'm so upset. What's a young boy supposed to love? Superheroes are for little boys, or so I thought! My toddler is transitioning into a little boy. He isn't going to love Care Bears and Backyardigans forever. I thought he was safe by watching a cartoon of a superhero on a Saturday morning but I was wrong. This transition might be a little harder than I thought. It just reminds me of the fact that we own certain movies that are animated and meant for children that are not appropriate that I need to get rid of now that Marce is starting to understand what is said and done in movies, movies like Madagascar and Shrek. I guess I don't have to get rid of them, but they need to go in the adult section at least. How sad is that. Adults like animation as well as kids. I am not saying that there shouldn't be these adult animated movies, but they need to advertise them as that then, and not advertise towards the kids. This of course is not going to happen, and it will just get worse and worse so we as parents better pay close attention. By the way, I never heard any swearing on Saturday mornings, only on our DVD...how ironic. I guess I'll be getting rid of it...unless any of you adults love Spider-man.......I didn't think so.

A Little Bit Of Everything

This is the worst. Okay so the other night Shar was at work and my kids have been a little congested to say the least. On top of it Phoenix is poking a couple bottom teeth through right now. He was not too happy so I gave him some baby Orajel. After a while I thought I'd put too much on or that he was allergic to it. He kept on gagging big time almost throwing up. Then he would stop for a while, and then gag again. I thought I'd numbed too much of his mouth or got some on his tongue or something. So I was keeping a close eye on him til the medication lost effect. I didn't put him in his crib and just let him fall asleep on my chest watching TV. I knew something was wrong because he wouldn't breastfeed. At that, I thought he was more than teething and that he was getting the flu. Then Shar got home, thank goodness. There were toys all scattered over the house and Marce was asleep on the floor with Phoenix in my arms asleep, so Shar was wondering what the heck was going on. Normally when he gets home the floor is clear and the boys are both in bed. I told him what was going on. I gave him Phoenix who was having a hard time sleeping now so I could clean up the toys and put Marce in his bed. Then Shar and I were sitting on the couch with Phoenix trying to figure out why he was not sleeping well. Then Shar said "Lex!" and I said "what!" and he said that Phoenix had a piece of paper or something in his mouth, stuck to the roof of his mouth. Shar pulled it out. Phoenix gagged a bit and I couldn't believe it! He had gotten a hold of a piece of tape probably off the floor somewhere and put it in his mouth (he loves to try and eat paper) and the tape had actually stuck to the roof of his mouth! It had been there for hours and he was really so good and happy considering the size of this sucker! The Orajel did not cause the gagging after all. It was this piece of tape all the time! Poor kid. Thank goodness Shar saw it. I probably never would have. I did not even feel it when I tried to breastfeed him. After Shar pulled the tape off I immediately tried to feed Phoenix again. He ate just fine the poor little guy. Then being so exhausted by this point (it was midnight) he fell right asleep. I took these pictures of the piece of tape so you could see just how big it was. I don't think Phoenix has my gag reflux because he was such a trooper all afternoon and night. He even slept quite a while with it in.

So the story behind this busted up box is this: Marcelus got some books for Christmas and we were previously keeping all of his books in this wooden box in his room. But now, there were too many books he now had to fit them all in here. So I took them all out and put them on his little table for now until I can get him a bookshelf or something. He took this box and started playing with it, putting toys in it, dumping them out, carrying it throughout the house, ect. Next thing I know I hear weird sounds, that I don't normally hear. So I go into the family room to see that Marce has demolished this box. I wasn't too happy. I could have used it for something else, I just hadn't come up with anything yet. I guess it was pretty cheaply made because he knocked out 2 sides of paneling and there were even big splinter like pieces laying around. I wonder what he did to break it?

Last night the boys were playing in the kitchen. Shar was laying on the couch half asleep and irritated, but I told him they weren't doing anything wrong and it was a good thing they were playing together without somebody (Phoenix) unhappy. I went to check on them after a while and found that they were cooking together. Marce plays with my mixer (without the beaters) all the time. He throws the plug under the rug to pretend it's really plugged in, but in the kitchen here it looks like he shut it in my oven drawer. Cute. When I came in he was mixing and stirring in the strainer.

Other Stuff:

Yesterday at church during sacrament meeting Marcelus said "I miss Jonah and Eden." How sweet that was. He's only 2 but he definitely knows who his best friends are.

Last night I watched the Special Features from The Sound Of Music. Shar got me the 40th anniversary DVD for Christmas. I have seen the movie a million times and it's one of my favorite musicals along with West Side Story. Anyway, it was so awesome to learn so much about the making of the movie. There was also a reunion of the kids who played the Vontrapp children. They were all so nice and down to earth. They've all kept in contact and been friends all this time and it was great to hear them talk about their memories of the making the movie. It was also great to see a conversation all about the movie between Julie Andrews and Chris Plummer. I did not know that it was Rogers and Hammerstein's last musical. All the little facts and tidbits were so great and to learn more about the real Vontrapp family was just as interesting. I can't wait to show my mom! Mom, I'm bringing it with me when I come. You will love it as much as I did or more. My mom played Grettle in a play of the Sound of Music when she was 5 or so. I already want to watch it again! I don't know why but stuff like this makes me so happy. I'm serious. I just soak it up. Anything that I love, to see the history of it and to feel like I am really there at that time even though I wasn't even close to being born. It almost makes me want to cry. I love musical history, that's what I call, all of the stuff like this. It's so neat. I'm so grateful that a movie, or a song can make me so happy. And then to go beyond the finished product and learn the history. That's the best. I do it all of the time, it's really one of my biggest hobbies.

Something else that makes me very happy is College Football! Texas and Ohio State today! Fiesta Bowl! WooHoo!

Play Time

I know that I have not been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I am sorry to those who are faithful blog readers. I can't say that I will blog more now, it's not like I didn't blog on purpose. I was busy in the month of December I guess and oddly I felt like I had better things to do...weird.

I want to say that lately I have been feeling an urgency when I need to go to the bathroom. This is a pregnancy symptom I always get so I told Sharrid I was a little concerned. We are NOT trying to get pregnant anytime soon. I would almost feel irresponsible because over the past 6 months or so, this economy has really wormed it's way into our personal finances. I know we are not the only ones. Anyway, Sharrid went down to get me a test this morning and had it ready for me to take when I woke up. Obviously he is not as anxious as me about getting pregnant. I thought I sensed a little excitement even. Whew! Not pregnant.

Back to the economy. We hear about it all over the TV and radio, and it's something that is effecting everyone. If you aren't feeling it now, you probably will at some point. We've been really tight since summer when our mortgage raised over a hundred and fifty bucks. We got a letter with our power bill today saying rates are going up because of the economy. Our credit card company just screwed us BIG time initially giving us a December "break" and then telling us we didn't qualify for it after the fact, and after everything our soft water company calls us for referrals? Get real! No one cares about soft water when you are in survival mode. I am aware that some people are not so much feeling the economy right now. I am happy for those people. The funny thing is, I don't get stressed about money anymore. I used to at one point but I'm starting to not care so much.

Sharrid and I talk a lot about this subject and our situation specifically all the time. I told him I just don't care anymore...about a lot of things. I told him I don't care to be a home owner. We don't own the house anyway, the bank does...and like we're going to settle here, no we are not. So with this bad economy, so far it 's a bad investment. The prophet didn't say "You need to own a house." He said we need to get out of debt and get our food and water storage. He also said we need to enjoy life and live in the moment. Life's too short to care so much about things that don't matter when we're all gone I've decided. Sharrid is finishing up school here in the next week I think and then I told him that I might cancel our Internet service. That means I wouldn't be blogging for a while. It would be a huge sacrifice. Everybody knows how much the Internet is used. I believe our cell phones are up in March and I refuse to sign another contract so we will probably cancel those also or at least down grade with another company. (we don't have a land line). In the long run I told Shar all I cared about was making sure the kids had food and clothes. All of this has to do with a fresh start because if you didn't already know, we will most likely be moving to NV in the spring. This post probably didn't make much sense before that little bit of information, sorry. And I'm sorry the post is such a downer but I do want a fresh start. That's what I want this year. I want to kind of start over in a lot of ways. Each year was getting better and better for Sharrid and I...until this economy took a dump. This new year has to be a turning point because things are a little different now. I've thought about my new year goals and even written some things down. It all seems to center on spiritual improvements, tightening the screws...and a temporal make over....starting fresh.

Thank goodness for our boys!

New Years Eve 2008

New Years has never been an important holiday in my family. As a kid, maybe we banged a few pots and watched a couple fire crackers, and as a teen I always went to the stake dances which were a lot of fun, but the day before New Year and the day of New Year feel exactly the same. I took these pictures not because it was New Years Eve (in fact I didn't even realize it was til after) but because my mom made these PJ's for my boys for Christmas and it was the first time I had them wear them together and match. The pillow case Marce has she also made for him. Marce needed a new pillowcase bad. His Cars one is so thin, cheaply made. I hope you keep making the boys pillow cases every once in a while with different fabrics. That will be a cool thing they get from their grandma. Sorry for so many photos, but who can resist this? Phoenix just kept chasing me and trying to get the camera.

Thanks Grandma!