I Got Nothing

We got back Monday from being at my parents in NV a week. Sharrid is testing for Corrections in Vegas (you can't just transfer, every agency and state are different). Anyway, he tested for 3 days this time for Psychological, and Polygraph. He came away from it feeling his chances are good and he heard some things from them that indicate he has a great shot at making the Academy. This was pretty much the last testing there is. We've been at it since Nov. and Shar has had this job in mind since this past summer. It's been a process of course, but we're nearing the end and hope that we are blessed to get the job. We have no idea when we'll find out. They are doing a huge background investigation on everyone right now. The very last thing we'll do if we hear we got the "tentative" job offer is Shar will have a physical done by their doctors before the Academy starts, which we've heard might be May or June.

This last trip to Logandale seemed surprisingly long. I can't even remember all the things we did. I have a horrible short term memory anyway but this is what I can remember: making bread with my mom again, playing Nintendo 64 with my brother and sisters, taking Marce on a stroller walk around the block, being at the Chappell's, FHE on Emergency Prep, watching the Sound of Music footage, showing my family the interviews I did with grandma and grandpa, going to Landon's basketball scrimmage, visiting the Jackson's.

While we were there my dad asked me what the status was about my eyes. For anyone reading this that doesn't know, I am visually impaired and since I hate the word impaired, I prefer the term legally blind, although that kind of sounds like legally blonde which is a movie that I've never seen because it's probably lame. Okay, back to the point. It was good for him to ask for 2 reasons: 1. It's good to know people still care & 2. I needed to go over everything so that even I know what the status is. Basically, the status is this: I've seen enough Opthomologists that only know so much to say I'm kind of done wasting my time with them when all they do is figure out what my prescription is and pretty much admit "I got nothin'". We have established that this is a "brain problem". Therefore, I have pursued a couple of Neuro Opthomologists who I never heard back from. The one thing I do know came from my home town doctor, and that is that I have Billateral Ambliopia. All that means is that I have reduced vision in both eyes regardless of correction. Although this is true and good to know, it doesn't solve the problem or give any answers. I have been told by yet another doctor that my eyes can actually be trained back to where they are supposed to be. When first I heard this I did not believe it, but after doing a little research online I found an article that says that a lot of people with my problem actually became that way after suffering serious head trauma from war or car accidents and things like that AND that yes, the eyes could be trained back to normal. The last doctor I saw was here in Phoenix a couple years ago. I was qualifying for Social Security and he checked me out, I told him everything I knew about my eyes and he told me what he thought it was. I never wrote it down or looked into it but I have his info and am planning to give him a call this week to see if I can get into my file and see if HE wrote it down, whatever it was he said.

All I know is that this will be fixed. I know for sure. I don't know when, or how. I can't imagine it...at all. But, I still know it will happen. I also cannot see the journey leading up to it. I have no idea what I am supposed to do, only that I am to be proactive about it. Let me repeat that. I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to do, only that I am to be PROACTIVE about it. I was not told I have to be proactive, but I kind of figured that one out myself. It's a no brainer. The solution to this problem is not just going to fall in my lap. I have to look for it. It's hard, because you have to trust people you don't know and who really...don't know you. It's also hard because this eyesight I have now is all I've ever known. I don't know what's better, so in a way I'm in my comfort zone. I'm comfortable. I have learned to compensate with the exception of a few impossibilities I guess. I am comfortable, but at the same time, I think about this problem every single day. I think about the future, hoping my kids don't have to feel the effects of this problem. I think about the "what if's" and the "if only's" and the "I can't wait until I can just..." and "wish I could's". I think about this problem in my life everyday, but I really don't think of what the solution is, where can I find it, who will help me, what are the steps...mainly because I - don't - know.

After I told my dad what the latest was, he told me I should get a hold of a school. He mentioned UCLA's research department. How does one go about that! I've thought about that route a lot actually the college research route. Anyway,...when it all gets down to it, I feel like those doctors I've seen. I got nothing.