A young mothers confessions...

First of all, ignore the previous post. I am still trying (and failing) to put video on my blog.

ok, well, today is Sunday, and having lessons about Prayer and Heavenly Father, I am inclined to post a bit of a confession or it can just be called a story and a thought. Friday we were in town all day running our annual weekly errands. We always have to end with Walmart because of the cold food. The plan according to me was that I was to go in and get a head start on the shopping, while Sharrid took Marcelus to a nearby park for a half hour and then come and find me in Walmart to finish up. What actually happened was that I did all the shopping, walked around all of Walmart to find Sharrid. Couldn't find him anywhere, was wondering why he hadn't found me yet. It was now dark outside, there would be no reason to still be out at the park. I called him over the intercom, and he did not come. He had told me that he would find me because he left his cell phone at home. I couldn't call him cause of that and reached for my phone to check the time only to find that mine was missing. It definately added to the stress, but I was thankful that I was worried about Sharrid and Marcelus so much at that point that to lose my cell phone was not even a tiny care in my mind. The only problem was that I not only couldn't call Shar, but couldn't call anyone. I felt really alone at that point, beside all of these strangers in Walmart. My cart was full of groceries and I decided to check out and then continue my search. I went through self check out as I always do, (checkers are too slow and use way too many bags) The thought of Sharrid and Marcelus overtook everything in my mind. The fact that my cold foods were just sitting there forever meant nothing to me after a very short period of time. Time,...a lot of time had gone by. It had been dark outside forever, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what my next move was. I felt it was pointless to search the store again, and tears were at my eyes now. I didn't want to ask them to call him again because I was really about to lose it. I felt really helpless and went to sit at the McDonalds section of the store to think. I was at the end of my rope, so much time had gone by and I was starting to think of the worst. I knew Sharrid and Marce were not in the store, or they would have found me. I knew they were out there, I thought they must not be at the park, it was dark and cold outside, and Sharrid said he'd be back in 30 minutes. I thought of bad things that could have happened. I thought they could have gotten in a car accident. I thought that Sharrid could have been tired and fallen asleep somewhere or in the car, I even thought of worse things. I could barely keep from crying, and tears were just wanting to burst out of my eyes. It almost hurt to keep them under control. At that point, nothing else mattered at that point. Nothing. Now, I'm so grateful for that, and proud of myself that when these times come, we realize that were doing ok,...because we don't care so much about money or our house, or car, ...or cell phone, or any THING. I cared for nothing at the time but Sharrid, and Marcelus. I was at the end, and said a desperate prayer. Peace did not come over me right then, I still was holding back tears, I still felt helpless, I still felt no hope, I still was reeling inside, BUT ...Sharrid and Marcelus walked into Walmart about 10-15 minutes later. I called for him but he didn't hear me, I grabbed my cart and ran for him. He was confused that I was crying. I held Marcelus and put my face in Sharrid's chest because I really was crying at this point.
It turns out that Sharrid and I were not on the same "plan" page. The plan according to him was that yes, he would be back in 30 minutes but he would be circling the parking lot waiting for me to come out, which was exactly what he had been doing for all that time. It never occured to me to step outside, never even the thought...he said he'd been circling forever and Marcelus was being good anyway, and he just figured I was just having a lot of "fun" in Walmart shopping. Wow...a lot of fun.
On the way home we both agreed on a rule that both of us are to have our cell phones every day we go into town, as we are seperated some times. By the way, mine had slipped out of the diaper bag into the car's back seat. Also we agreed that we will be more clear about the "plan", althought we both felt that it was clear...

It makes me sad to think that I am the first one to know and understand, and yet the first one to be guilty of praying in emergency situations, or when we are really struggling or need help, but then forgetting to pray on a regular basis. Not sharing the good with HF, just using him when we need help and taking it for granted. It's like a slap in the face you know, to him. There's not a relationship there. There's only a dependency, that we recognize only when we are in desperate times. I've had experiences like this as a young mother and thought to change, but really haven't. And it makes me sad because I at one time had the best relationship with Hf that I could have it seemed. Shortly after HS moving out for the first time, up north where it was cold, it took me a month to find a job after searching. The job I did find payed me 2.15/hour plus measily shared tips. The only bills I had were rent and phone. I could barely pay them. I barely ate. I refused to ask my parents for help because I knew at that time it would have been hard for them. I had a bike, and my two legs. Luckily I did have a warm coat. It took me an hour to walk to work, fast walking. It took 25-30 minutes to bike. I walked most the time so that I could hopefully get a ride home with a co-worker. I can't paint the picture good enough, but I can tell you that I prayed constantly to get through the day, or the week. To survive. After 6 months I came home, not really gaining anything from that experience but a relationship with HF, a real, friendly, "talk to Him as if he's standing there" relationship. I came home praying 20 minute prayers I would guess.

Now, I have to start over, and get that back. Why is it so hard for me, a young mother? I do know that I am so tired by the end of the day with a 2 year old and a "parasite" as Shar calls it, in the belly, that at night I just crash. In the morning Marcelus wakes me up with a request whether it be "eat" or "movie" or "sippy". Once I'm at that point, I've forgotten. Luckily family and food prayers allow me to pray at all. BUT I have now made a goal, an inspiration has clicked for me, and some of you might think it is odd, but it will work. I shower everyday, and it is a quiet uninterrupted peaceful time. I take a decently long shower, I will pray in the shower! Even Marce is quiet at the bottom of the shower, he showers in with me about every other day. He's always quiet and playing though, it will be my prayer time. The Lord will excuse this I think. What must a young mother do to fulfill the commandments, to do what needs to be done. It's a tough gig isn't it, but we have to be creative. This is a new start at least. I know it's weird but it hit me, and I know it will work.

Sorry this post is so long, but it is what it is, I couldn't cut it any shorter. Maybe it will help you, maybe it won't, but it's helped me by writing it down, and to me a blog is a journal anyway. It's a journal everyone can read, but it is a journal, and whatever we feel we can share we do, and what we can't we don't but I felt like writing this story. I am grateful for experiences like this, but sad that I have to have them over and over again, and make goal after goal, trying to make it work again and again.

By the way, pregnancy pics are coming very soon...