My thoughts just after the Big Ultrasound

Going into the Ultrasound, I just wanted to know. It didn’t matter THAT much what the gender was, but just the suspense and build up and not knowing was enough. I am happy to just know what it is so I can move on with that and prepare myself mentally for it. I still feel like we will get a girl if we just have faith we will and keep trying. The Lord knows our hearts and what I can and can’t do. I just have to let myself fully recover and keep my body in shape and young to be able to get through these pregnancies to be able to have more. I see us having 4 or 5 at this point, we’ll see. I am still planning on Roma Jean and I still feel that she is there, she’s here, waiting…and we’re waiting, and I feel like it will happen if we are patient and have faith.
I am really just happy to be adding to our little family. As the kids are getting older, especially Marcelus, it is becoming much more fun to be the “mom” in my own little family. I love boys and couldn’t possibly have enough of them so I am thrilled to be having another one so long as I do get my Roma Jean before we’re done. The only thing I am a little worried about is that 3 is a crowd. Marcelus and Phoenix are best friends and do everything together. Yes they fight and feelings get hurt and tears come. But for the most part they get along pretty well. They play well. They are all each other have, and it’s been great. They bathe together, room together, watch movies together, play together. It’s always been them. They rarely are apart aside from Marcelus going to Preschool for a few hours every other day. I’m sure that break from each other is good for them too. I just don’t want this boy to be left out or too young to really play with the other boys. He’s going to be spaced a little further than the other two. I don’t want him being picked on or lonely. I just need to really show this boy a lot of love from the very start I think. And hopefully I can recover well and be able to have another one in a couple years. I have also thought of the fact that Phoenix is now a middle child. With them all being boys, I have to really watch that and make sure he is getting as much love and attention as the oldest (Marcelus) and the youngest (Amar’e). Marcelus gets A LOT of attention because he is doing everything first and learning everything first. Everything is new for us with him. He has a great first child personality and there is a special love for your first child. It isn’t more love necessarily but there is a different kind of love when it’s your first born. At least I feel that way towards Marcelus, and I expect that my parents do towards Connie. As I look back on my own childhood, I vaguely remember getting a lot of attention when I was the youngest. My aunt Lisa gave me a lot of love and attention, and my mom. After Michaela was born that “baby” thing went out the window and I was in fact the middle child. Kira always seemed so much older because she was bigger but the age gap wasn’t that big actually. For the most part I felt like a true middle child. Michaela always seemed like the “baby” even after mom had Tibi and Landon. I got attention from my mom probably because I demanded it. I just have to make sure I give equally no matter if I feel a demand or not. My mom was really great and gave us all time and attention I feel. She did a good job.
Everything will be fine. I am just happy to be having a baby. Babies are babies really at first. I am so happy to be having a newborn. I know that Amar’e will grow, and it’ll go by too fast and that he won’t be a newborn for long. Phoenix is kind of a blur for me and I really want to focus and savor everything with Amar’e. I love to feel him inside me. I’m trying to enjoy that even though I am uncomfortable and pained. I can’t wait to be able to hold him, a small newborn, in my arms for hours. Cuddle him and show him love. Hug him tight to my chest, that’s how babies feel love, through touch. I am paranoid about how damaging the delivery is going to be and how detrimental the recovery will be. It is I think especially hard for me with my tailbone and bladder problems and that is very much in the back of my mind. How bad will my bladder be? Will my tailbone be affected this time? How many days will it take before I have bladder control? Will it strengthen back up like it should? Will the muscles recover? These are the questions in my mind. At the same time I am trying to have faith but the bladder is scary. You don’t know how scary it is to have no control of when you are going to pee or not, and just going to the bathroom from time to time to avoid an accident. My muscles down there are shot after each baby, and after each one it takes a little longer to get even a little feeling and control back. How long will it be this time before I have some control?
It’s been a long time since we’ve had a baby and Phoenix never really felt like a baby, not a newborn anyway. I couldn’t carry him around like a baby, he was so heavy and big. This boy might not be any different but it will still be great to have a new baby and another child of ours come down to us. I am excited to start counting down the time. I am 20 weeks in a week and especially after Christmas, the time is going to go by fast as we prepare to have him, move into a bigger house somewhere, and buy a bigger car, ect. It’s all going to creep up fast after the Holiday is over.
Welcome to the family Amar’e. Our family life is hard. We have to be really patient and understanding and accepting of our situation. It isn’t easy and often times rather than strengthening our relationships, it tears us apart and causes resentment and arguments. We barely function as a family and even though having more children in a lot of ways makes it even harder, we know we want to complete our family. We know there are spirits up there that are ours and we won’t let them down, we’ll get through it together in the end. We still must press on and have our children with faith, so welcome to the family boy number 3, our son, Amar’e Willard Hill.