Let me preface by saying that nothing like this has ever happened to us in our 6 1/1 years of being a family. But there is a first for everything, right?
About a week ago we were running errands. We were walking out of the mall, exiting one of the big department stores. I was holding Amar'e with Marcelus walking by my side. Sharrid and Phoenix were walking about 10 feet behind us. As they came up to the doors leading out to the parking lot, Phoenix said "where's mommy?" and Sharrid grabbed Phoenix' hand. He couldn't see me because we were now probably 20 feet in front of them on the way to the car. Some older lady, probably late 50's or so saw all of this and said something to Shar about whether he was Phoenix' father or something. I wasn't there for any of that, I was still walking ahead. The thing that I heard and saw was Sharrid walking with Phoenix by the hand with a lady at his side trying to talk to him while he totally ignored her. I stopped and turned around wondering who this was and what did she need or what was she trying to talk to him about...so now we are all together, standing there. Sharrid looks annoyed to say the VERY least. This lady blabbers something like "I'm sorry, is this your son? I just was making sure, I thought...I was worried, I just wanted to make sure he was..." I could tell she was at a loss of words and just trying to close the situation. I was confused and said "Yes, he's my son." I was still confused and kind of gaping trying to put the pieces together when she tried to apologize to us. Sharrid was still trying to walk muttering under his breath that this lady was crazy and a star rating fool. He was NOT happy. Sharrid's pretty cool headed but this boiled his blood and he was as upset as I've probably ever seen him on the inside anyway. I could tell he was just writhing inside. I didn't figure out what happened until she said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, just...being a mom you know,...". Sharrid was CLEARLY offended while I figured out in my mind what had just happened.
Basically, the lady saw me walk out the door with the boys in tow. She saw Sharrid grab Phoenix' hand and she heard Phoenix say "Where's mommy?". She thought that Sharrid was stealing Phoenix from me. So, she was trying to make sure that Sharrid was his dad and therefore would believe I was his mom, I really don't know...all I know is that Sharrid was pissed, and this lady heard the wrong thing and saw the wrong thing and had doubts that we were married. The funny thing about is is that Phoenix clearly looks like a bi-racial child. In fact, he probably looks like he belongs more to Sharrid than to me. He's darker, he's got very dark brown spiral curly hair, he's got the black facial features...maybe the lady didn't get a good look at Phoenix, cause he should have been the missing puzzle piece for her. I'm white as a ghost right now and I have Auburnish hair, really lady?
It was a situation where she probably felt awkward and dumb at the end of, but better to be safe than sorry at the same time. She's probably a mother and a grandmother and maybe a little protective and a little sheltered, or maybe she just acted on an instinct...an instinct that was wrong. It took me quite a while to calm Sharrid down. This really upset him and I finally had to say "Let's just not talk about this anymore, okay?" Agreed. We'd been hashing at it for long enough. He told me hia feelings. I told him mine and there was no need to stir the pot anymore.
I understood her somewhat, thinking of the safety of my children and being a mom myself. I also thought of if the tables were turned and someone was doubting me or even trying to accuse me of not being my children's mother. I put myself in that place and it immediately made me angry and in a fighting mood, ready for anything. It was interesting. We'd do anything, we'd fight for our children. So I understood where Sharrid was coming from and what that felt like for him. It was not a good feeling when someone doubts that and your children are everything you've got. You'd have to take some time and close your eyes and really think about a situation like this to bring that feeling into play, but I promise you, it's one of the worst things you can feel.
Last night I had a dream that Sharrid and I were on a date to the movies. Shar left for something and I was saving his seat. The movie started and I was starting to wonder where he was when my friend said she'd call him. Just then he walked in. I saw him first cause he's the biggest. His head kind of ducked under the door and then I saw. He was escorted by two cops on either side and he was handcuffed in front. I was gaping and as he walked by I said "Shar?" as if to ask what was going on or what happened. They walked him to the back of the theater past me to talk to another cop who was back there and look over some paperwork. That's when I woke up. The dream was so real that it was one of those "Oh my gosh. I'm in my bed. That was just a dream." I think sometimes in our dreams we know we're dreaming...but sometimes we don't, and I definitely thought this was real while I was dreaming it. The look on Shar's face was so typical of him. Angry, irritated, and annoyed, and sad. But at the very same time, submissive, complying. The injustice I felt in that dream was terrible. I've felt that feeling before and it brought those feelings back and made them all fresh. Some feelings in this lffe are just awful and they hurt from the inside. Obviously Sharrid was innocent and they had the wrong guy, and to know that and still see somebody cuffed like that is one of the worst feelings for me. That's one reason I don't watch any videos of the crucifixion of Christ. I don't want to watch a video of Joseph Smith being martyred. And in our time,....it killed me to watch Michael's trial. Actually I didn't watch it, it killed just to know it was happening. It hurt my heart so much. I just ached inside for months and months. And really, the damage had been done before, long before. That pain was icing, but it still stung like a hard slap in the face. To see a person you love like that, the dream sucked. I woke up and grabbed Sharrid who was laying in bed awake. I told him about it, he knew someting was wrong. He joked that he went out and got into it with the popcorn lady but it was still so real for me. The visual of him cuffed in trouble, at the mercy of these men, and the future, our kids, what was going to happen? It was scary, you know. Sharrid has been in that situation before in real life. Good thing I wasn't there to see it. He was released after a few minutes or something but still.....it was weird to see that because Sharrid is the one escorting. He's a corrections officer. He's the one in uniform with the cuffs on his belt. Maybe that's why the dream was so shocking to me.
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8 comments:
Very interesting....about the lady, these are the things that grandpa Packard was talking about when you two got married - things that would be hard and probably different than any other couple would have to endure. Some people can't even get over the sight of a bi-racial couple at all. I don't get it.
Yeah, I don't think this lady meant anything bad by it at all but got caught up in something she probably wished she didn't. She might have wished she didn't jump to her own conclusions but it was too late. It was something that I just shrugged off, but since Sharrid was the one who was doubted, it was harder for him. In my generation, it seems that I see more bi-racial families than not. People are really starting to mix it up. I love it. It makes for some really beautiful children and brings everybody together more. To be just one race anymore is becoming more and more rare. It makes me wonder what they expect us to put on paperwork when they want us to check a box for race. Do we check black, white, or both? That system isn't going to work for too much longer.
I feel bad for everyone that it happened. I can understand Sharrid's frustration as well as this woman's concern. It is better to be safe than sorry.
I'm glad she had the guts to voice her concerns. Some people might not have, and bad things happen in this country everyday just because someone didn't say something when they thought something didn't seem right. Honestly, I hope that I would have the guts to put myself in that kind of awkward position, in order to protect a child.
However, I can't help but wonder how she couldn't notice that Phoenix is definitely Sharrid's son. Did she look at him at all?
I don't know if she saw him. I know, it's good to try and protect our children, or everyone's children but at the extent that someone then feels terrible when they are doubted of being a child's parent...I mean, the whole situation is a catch 22 I guess, but no harm done really. Sharrid was upset then but it's not like it lingered or anything. We're not even thinking about it now.
I might be the only one who think this, but I don't think the lady's actions have anything to do with Sharrid's race. She probably would have done the same thing if he was a white guy, walking behind you, grabbing your son's hand. When I put myself in her shoes, she was just trying to do what was right, she had a hunch, and although she was embarrassed to be wrong, I'm sure she was glad she was wrong. I know Shar took it the wrong way, but wouldn't you be grateful she said something had it not been his dad? I really don't think it looked suspicious because of race. I'm sure she saw that he wasn't 100% white.
I saw a video a while back where they had a hidden camera on the street and had a little girl standing there and a guy come up and hold her hand and drag her away. She was saying, "You're not my dad!" The reactions were crazy. Most people walked on by, thinking that this child was just having a tantrum and didn't want to walk with her dad. It happened time after time. Finally a couple of teenagers thought it looked suspicious and surrounded the guy, then they found out they were on hidden camera and were commended for looking into it. I'd rather have someone looking out for my kids 100% of the time, then something like that happening. Sorry Shar got offended, but that lady was just looking out for Phoenix. The safety of a child is worth way more than a grown adult's awkward, embarrassed, of offended feelings. That's just my 2 cents.
I don't think Sharrid thought it had anything to do with race either. Even if he was white and took Phoenix by the hand, yeah the lady probably would have done the exact same thing and Shar would have been offended in that circumstance as well. It wasn't about race for him, it was the fact that she was doubting him of being his kid's son.
Like I said, to me it wasn't a big deal, it didn't upset me at all. Whether I was black and all our kids were or he was white...it was more that she thought it wasn't his kid, that's what upset him.
I put myself in that women's shoes and understood her. The post I wrote makes it seem like Sharrid was really mad, and he was, but his really mad is not as mad as most people's mad if you get that. It was just him upset, which doesn't happen very often.
Sharrid didn't say anything about race and I really don't believe he was thinking into that, he was just upset that someone doubted him as a parent or something.
Wow, major typos in my comment. Than, not then, or not of...
Since you started off talking about being a bi-racial family, I thought you were saying that you think she said something because of Shar's race.
Yeah I know Con. I really don't know exactly what she said to him, he didn't tell me but I think I jumped to conclusions on whether she was thinking anything racial or not, but I don't think Sharrid was. I just assumed but I shouldn't have now that I think of it. It's very possible she would have done the same thing whatever race he was, but I thought it was because it didn't seem like a "given" that we'd be married but that might not be true at all. I don't know. It's something that could have happened whether we are a bi-racial family or not.
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