My Thoughts Just Before The Big Ultrasound

I keep a pregnancy journal that has color coded sections for each baby and I try and document everything from Conception to the birth story in this journal for each kid. I always do a page for "My thoughts just before the big ultrasound". I make Sharrid do this page as well. I thought I would share it as a blog post too.

It's amazing to me that at the beginning of my pregnancy I said I wanted a girl for sure, but the closer it gets to finding out, the more resolved I get to just want what is meant for our family and whoever is supposed to be in our family. Thoughts of having a boy are so easy, totally imaginable. I have done that before. It's easy to believe that I am having another boy. It would be great to go through the baby clothes and get everything ready again, fill in the gaps and such. On the other hand, how fun would it be to start from scratch and collect everything new as we got closer to the birth of a girl. I'm not one of those moms who is dying to have a little girl. I have nothing against Pink, hair bows, princess and dress up....but let's face it, those were the farthest things from what I was as a girl! I don't know what my girl will be like and it makes me a little anxious. I know that a parent has a lot of influence over their kids and for some reason I'm more scared to have a girl. The things I want her to like are outdated, old fashioned and uncool in the world we live in. One thing is certain if I have a girl. She'll know her grandma and her great grandma's. She'll be named after her great grandma, Roma Jean. That means more to me than anything I could say about anything else, and she will know that. Overall I just think having boys and raising boys is a natural for me. Raising a little girl would be interesting. It would definitely put me out of my comfort zone I think, but I do want a shot at it. I hate to admit it but I think I would be more protective of her than I am of my boys. I think I'm worried she wouldn't really like me, especially as a teen. I'm scared we'd have nothing in common. I don't know, I guess I'm just kind of scared of the idea of having a girl, but I think I want to do it. It would balance out our family which is good for everybody. As much as I've been planning to name my first girl after my grandma, I could see us having all boys, but something in me says she's there, waiting. That she'll come, that she's there. I just don't know if we'll get her this time. I LOVE boys. I love my boys. Boys is what I do. I know boys. I get it, and I have ever since I was born. I would love to have a handful of boys. So, if we have another boy, I'll be happy. It'll make me anxious that I am getting closer to being done still without my girl but other than that...I'll love it. It's so much easier to be undecided when you have both names all ready and set and you like them both a lot. You can actually imagine having that little Amar'e Willard. You fall in love with the idea because you are in love with the name. I don't know what I want so thank goodness we don't get to pick! One thing that would be great about having a girl would be that I would not be thinking about that in the back of my mind and thinking of what my chances are as I near the end of having kids. I wouldn't really worry about what I was having each time after that. I'd have my boys, have my girl, and anything after that would be a bonus. So I go to the Ultrasound with mixed feelings. Marcelus probably still wants a girl but saw the ultrasound pic and said it was a boy because it had no hair. I explained to him that girls can also be bald when they are born, but he is not so sure :) So he has kind of come around to the idea of a boy as well. BUT, he does not like the name Amar'e because he thinks it's a girls name despite the fact that he nor I know any girl named Amar'e. I told him I know a couple boys named Amar'e and he didn't believe me until I showed him a picture of Amar'e Stoudemire on the computer. Now I think he is okay but it still might not be his favorite name. He has threatened to call the baby a different name of which is undecided :) The funny thing is, when we were narrowing the boy's name down, Stacy was in the top 3, a co-gender name. He really liked Stacy! Four year olds are funny! Anyway one thing I have to have is a for sure answer. I need the tech to be able to be sure so I hope this baby cooperates. I'm sure they will. Don't tell anybody but I don't drink any of the required water. In fact I empty my bladder just previous to going in because of my bladder problems. My muscles down there are so weak I can't handle any pressure if I have pee in me. Luckily I am thin enough that it doesn't make a difference. Can't wait til Thursday. I have planned to buy the boys suckers for the occasion so they will be quiet. If it's a girl, heck, even if it's a boy, I'm going straight over to Target to buy an outfit. The very first outfit picked by mommy!

Wish us luck and sorry if you were bored by my ranting. I have so many mixed feelings about this that it's hard to say everything the way I mean it. It's hard to explain my feelings but I did the best I could. If I had the choice, deep down inside I'd choose a girl to secure her in our family and to relieve me from worrying over not having her in the future, but I'm just excited to have A baby. Babies are so sweet and precious no matter who they are.